Im in ur stories, arranging ur marriages

Sorry for the title, I just couldn't resist.

So what I want to talk about, in the broadest possible terms is the idea of rebellion and cultural realism. But what I'm looking at, in specific, is a common trope of fantasy stories (in a variety of media): the arranged marriage.

This is often used as a starting-point for stories in which a girl features as a main character. There are exceptions, but mostly the "arranged marriage" is a female story, as if the boy isn't being equally arranged in many cases (though not all--see below). This can happen as background: the male protagonist meets the female, and she's already engaged (disaster! drama! heartbreak!), and either she already hates her husband-to-be (because he's ugly/horrible/already unfaithful, or what have you), or she has no particular feelings but will now fall in love with the male protagonist*, thereby forcing her to make a choice between Duty and Love. What fun!

I find arranged marriages historically interesting, since they were much more common in Western Europe in previous centuries (not to say that parental approval can't still cause problems), especially higher up the social scale.** I am spending at least 3 years of my life studying a woman who had one of these, and I'm fascinated by how a decidedly odd couple (no, seriously, you can read about the hairshirts) formed a really solid working partnership. That's far more interesting a process than just falling in love--at least for study.

But because of dominant cultural mores in Western society today, this practical and entirely workable side has, narratively, given way to a much more negative, and hence unsubtle, view of arranged marriages. And it's SO BORING. If the arranged marriage isn't background, as I defined it above, it's a plot point, a means for the girl to push against her society and show how feisty she is. The example that's lately bothered me most is the animated movie Brave. It's a story entirely about rebelling, though also coming to terms with family who might think differently than you. Watch it if you want more detail. The bit that concerns us is the archery contest of marriage: Merida's got to marry one of the sons of local leaders, whichever wins the local sporting event. She announces her eligibility to compete, however, and kicks their butts, thereby claiming her own hand and causing lots of disgruntlement.***

There are some cool elements here. There's a long trope of women being unwilling to marry anyone who can't beat them at athletics (Brunhilde, Atalanta...), which is given a new form here. OK, that's mostly the cool element. Unfortunately, this then gets caked on with a bunch of obnoxious, jarringly-anachronistic, and unnecessary elements which are common to the Arranged Marriage narrative today.

1. None of the suitors look like guys you'd actually want to end up with. Gormless, gross, unhandsome... I'm not actually saying that it's fair to say that such men aren't worthy of wives--appearances aren't everything--but that's definitely how they're being "sold" here. This is lazy writing. If you want to make a more meaningful story, have the guys have their own qualities. Don't just make them bumbling idiots or whatever. The point is that a guy can be lovely and wonderful and you are STILL allowed not to want to have your marriage arranged to him. Plus, I just can't stand Disney bumblers.

2. However, it is not actually clear why Merida is so bowled over by the whole incident. And here's where we come to the anachronism (still, see caveats below). She is pretty much astounded that she would have to get married, and to some random guy. If that's how it's DONE around there, thought, she really should have heard about it. This should not come as a shock. More specifically, the whole 'it's not fair', 'it's not me', 'it's not whatever' whining actually makes no sense. Cultural norms--remember, we're talking about a time when that would have been absolutely normal, and moreover without other customs against which to compare (which is what's causing a lot of the shakeups in traditional societies about this today, though one shouldn't underestimate those roots)--shape worldviews. It's not about fairness, that's just how things are. "You" as the all-important individual, is likewise a fairly modern theme; Merida's mom tries to convince her of Duty etc., representing the "older" viewpoint, but to be frank she shouldn't have to. Merida shouldn't be thinking in those terms.

3. So, if you're going to rebel, do it in keeping with your setting, not with modern norms. This is not to say that you can't have a rebellious character, but you should avoid the modern teenage strop.

I was going to try and explain alternatives for Merida to flesh out that point, but upon reflection I think it would instead be best to hasten along to examples of Arranged Marriage stories that illustrate it for me. There are 3 works that, in different ways, use Arranged Marriages interestingly, accurately, and solve a lot of the problems with the usual narrative above. Beware spoilers, I guess, if you ever intend to read/watch these. I'll do my best.

1. A Song of Ice and Fire, Martin: Khal Drogo and Daenerys.
Firstly I have to say that I'm using the books here, since I haven't watched the show, and that's critical for this scene: in case you didn't know, Martin did NOT write this as a rape. There is no raping. There is instead a powerful and important scene which we'll come to in a moment.

So, Daeny's wedding was arranged by her brother for money. It freaks her out a bit, but she remembers her cultural norms (that sounded less obnoxious in my head--carry on) and doesn't ruin the arrangements. At this point, she is both scared of her brother and generally fairly passive in personality; fine.

Then, on her wedding night, her husband is solicitous for her fears, and asks her permission before they have sex.**** Given the opportunity to refuse... she says "yes". She takes on the role which was arranged for her, determined to make of it what she can and to do her part well.

And she turns into a baddass, dragon-wielding, hardcore queen of awesome (and the only thing I still like in these books*****).

Her assigned role is an opportunity for transformation. Through it, she can take the system and use it, making the rules her rules. That's all the feistiness you need, right there. And it's really, really believable. I don't feel like she comes from another (modern) society and was just plonked in place to have conniptions about something that just wouldn't have been seen as bad, if properly done. Nor is she effacing her own personality, her "me"-ness (if that's what you're looking for) by doing something which she initially doesn't want to. Instead, she takes control. Heck yes.

2. Elantris, Sanderson: Sarene and Raoden.
Firstly, I did enjoy this book. Secondly, it is absolutely rife with horrifyingly modern outlooks used without particular subtlety, and with historical anachronism romping gaily through. (Though it may seem strange to talk about historical anachronism in a made-up world, it's all about context: having a few characters running around bandying scientific terminology, modern social ideas, and current slang while there's no apparent reason for them to do so in a world that has no grounding for it, is a problem. I could flip it around and ask "why are fantasy characters thinking the way we do now?"--it's really not believable, without giving a good reason. But that's for another post. Back to marriages!)

But he's done something interesting with the Arranged Marriage. The foreign princess Sarene is engaged to Prince Raoden, a political match apparently arranged. But over the course of the story, it is revealed that it was actually Sarene's idea, and that they had also corresponded and found themselves at least somewhat attracted to each other, intellectually/emotionally. So this manages to get all the excitement of a political marriage--the trepidation, the dislocation into a new family, the unknown spouse--while slowly inverting it, giving agency to the participants and making compatibility and teamwork the main foci.

So, in fact, in some ways this is not technically Arranged, but it also is: and it could have actually been arranged, without really altering the story. Agency can be acquired through accepting, so even if Sarene's father had scrounged up her partner, taking this on--like Daeny--gives her a strong personal role. The focus on teamwork is, to me, critical and extremely important historically. Elite couples have jobs, things to get done: and both partners need to contribute to get that job done. It's about working together; love may happen on the way. That's fascinating. Then both of them can rebel against society together! (And it is very much a social rebellion story. That's where the anachronism is most blatant--why would you even use the phrase "feudal system'???****** But it's not because of the marriage).

Also, Sanderson does a good job of showing the male perspective on the marriage, too; he shares similar emotions to his bride-to-be, curiosity and anxiety and so on. And that's only fair, otherwise you're assuming that men are pretty much happy to bang anything; or alternatively, making too much of the fact that men were more socially free to sleep around if the wife doesn't do it for them, as opposed to recognizing the impact of the wife on the husband's household and affairs. Give the man a voice, here!

3. Mulan, Disney film.
This is far and away my favorite Disney film (better, it's based on a historical character!). Mulan is fantastic as a character, in pretty much every way. Here, what we care about though is the opening, where she has to go to the matchmaker's to show how suitable she is, and goofs it up massively. Then she's quite upset about it, and has a "who I am" song.

The "I'm trying to be someone I'm not" is typical Disney fare, but it works out much better here than in Brave. Firstly, Mulan genuinely tries: she thinks like the people around her, wants to do well within the social rules, and is disappointed when, to the judgement of people around her, she is a failure. That's such a real sentiment, and deserves time along with the desire to rebel.

Of course, then she dons armor and goes and makes her own path. But what I love here is that that path is still in the idea of duty: she's saving her family, saving her land, lives the ordered life of a soldier... It's actually only when she's told to go home before Saving The Day that she actually directly pushes back, saying "no" and sticking around to do her thing.

And that's a gorgeous comparison with the matchmaker. Mulan values society, and she'll do what she can to improve it and play her role in it--whether that's trying to get married or, ultimately, being a warrior. In fact, much of the grousing in her Me song is how she's disappointed others:

Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my fam'ly's heart...

There's actually a lot going on here, and I don't want to downplay it. The "be myself" thing, as discussed, is modern intrusion, which is my main problem with this song: but Mulan is also recognizing that she will always BE part of her society--we can't escape this--and she's dissatisfied with her inability to contribute. I think it's so important to recognize that this is in no way incompatible with a rebellious personality. Mulan is willing to make her own rules (or rather, swap the "female" rules for the "male" ones, then redefine both at the end. SO PROGRESSIVE for Disney, especially back then), but she also a) understands society's rules, of which Merida seems woefully ignorant, and b) wants to make her own needs and those rules mutually compatible. Damn, that's an intense story. And so I have sympathy for Mulan, who's facing a very complex dilemma, while Merida's just a little too spoiled. Her movie forces her to temper herself eventually, but the plot is basically driven by her obnoxiousness, and that's unfortunate.

*
From the length of this post, you might be able to guess that I care a lot about this topic. I don't want to run on more, but I feel that some caveats are in order.

Firstly, I am talking strictly about NARRATIVES here, not real life. I don't want to all-and-out condemn the practice of arranging marriages, because to say they're only bad is rude to those couples for whom they've worked out; but it's important to acknowledge the harmful relationships that can also result. That having been said, can we please stop telling the same story? There's so much nuance to explore!

Secondly, I'm not saying that you should do what society tells you just because that's how most people might play it. Remember, stories, not real life! But if you're telling a story, you have a responsibility to make your characters ring true. Don't have them behave a certain way because that's what we do now. I know, I know, audience relatability yadda yadda, but honestly, I don't care. Challenge people. And more specifically, give them some credit and teach them how to consider viewpoints aside from their own.

I say this as someone who is definitely a geek and in many things--media tastes, clothing, pastimes, friends--has never been particularly bothered by what other people have to say about it. However, I do tend to like to get along with people, as I hope most of you do; we'll naturally tend to retain as many social rules as possible while playing with those that matter less and that more suit our tastes. If you don't, you start getting labelled "crazy", which most characters getting Arranged Marriages aren't supposed to be. And more specifically, everyone's rebellion, no matter how extreme, stems from those same social rules. The conscious rejection will have its own set of rules--that's how you get subcultures--to modify the main batch. You can't just import completely alien (or anachronistic) mentalities, chalk it up to personality, and call it a day. And an arranged match should never be a surprise.

So I guess the takeaway here is that the Arranged Marriage is not something I inherently hate. I just hate it as the field for social rebellion. Firstly, once or twice might have been ok, but it's such a hackneyed trope now that it absolutely needs to go. Secondly, "feisty rebellion" apparently tends to mean "unbelievable norms". If you want to show a rebellious teenager like Merida, why not have her dealing with something that more teenagers in the target audience will actually confront? The dominance of the Importance of the Individual in modern culture does not mean that stories set elsewhere/when should be using it to show how Strong and Independent a (female) character is. You don't have to blend a historical problem with a modern mindset. And if you do want an Arranged Marriage--and/or a Strong Female--there are plenty of stories doing it far better, far more interestingly, and far more convincingly. Do you want to argue with Daenerys about that?


*Which I want to abbreviate as MP, but living in Britain as I do, I want to make sure no one thinks I'm talking about politicians... Ugh.
**The less important you were, the less your choice mattered, and it was quite easy to just go ahead and get married without anyone the wiser (at first). Remember, marriage only became "defined" (in a religious sense) at Lateran IV in 1215!
***That is one word we can use.
****Khal Drogo is a surprisingly good role model.
*****Yes, this is a rare opportunity to hear me praise Martin's writings. Basically, the first book was good and it's been a steady downhill. Enjoy it while you can!
******For those unaware, the feudal "system" never existed except for in the minds of post-medieval lawyers, and no one at the time would have EVER used the idea of a "system" to describe their own socio-governmental structure. They discussed political ideas like monarchy, but in entirely different terms, and that matters.